Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
←Rate | 09-13-2017 17:58 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:37 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:03 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:10 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.
←Rate | 04-14-2018 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
←Rate | 12-21-2018 09:34 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...
←Rate | 05-21-2019 16:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.
←Rate | 06-01-2019 19:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
←Rate | 06-17-2019 11:06 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...
←Rate | 07-19-2019 10:06 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  




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