Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
←Rate | 03-08-2018 09:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
←Rate | 03-28-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
←Rate | 04-11-2018 11:16 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 10:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
←Rate | 07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...
←Rate | 10-12-2017 09:22 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  


   messageicon The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 05:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (1)  


   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.
←Rate | 11-27-2017 04:50 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 23:44 by markf Comments (0)  


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