Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mercury is in reverse cowgirl again.

   I make 6 figures, but the zeroes are in the front.

   You know how food is supposed to taste good? Let’s make it not like that. ~ The British

   Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore you.

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   Don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it REALLY works.

   I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   Your guitar is out of tuna. ~ Cat

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.