Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 89 of 6387

   messageicon Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 14:43 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots
←Rate | 07-01-2018 10:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:47 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?
←Rate | 09-03-2018 16:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.
←Rate | 09-24-2018 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...
←Rate | 10-10-2018 12:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet
←Rate | 10-16-2018 10:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What it all boils down to is evaporation.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 09:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
←Rate | 02-19-2020 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...
←Rate | 02-19-2020 11:07 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?
←Rate | 02-27-2020 03:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.
←Rate | 03-11-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels
←Rate | 04-16-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
←Rate | 04-16-2020 09:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.
←Rate | 04-16-2020 10:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  




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