Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 89 of 6387
Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
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09-28-2017 20:57
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I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
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04-19-2018 14:43 by JohnY
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Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots
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07-01-2018 10:46
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I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
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07-08-2018 09:47
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Anyone remember when it was normal
for kids to go outside & be gone all day,
but parents wouldn’t know where you were,
just that you better be home when it is dark?
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09-03-2018 16:56
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First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.
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09-24-2018 08:41
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If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...
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10-10-2018 12:00
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Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet
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10-16-2018 10:41
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I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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11-01-2018 05:37
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
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11-04-2019 05:40
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What it all boils down to is evaporation.
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01-09-2020 09:39
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I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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02-19-2020 09:13
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I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...
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02-19-2020 11:07 by Gabe
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Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?
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02-27-2020 03:13
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Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.
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03-11-2020 08:25
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Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels
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04-16-2020 08:09
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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04-16-2020 09:43
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When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.
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04-16-2020 10:26
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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03-26-2018 14:55
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With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
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06-23-2017 08:45
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