Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.