Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip #392: Don't ever, ever start an argument with your wife with "Your f**kin' mother"......

   You're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: dont panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, were not that far from you.

   Worst football performance by a Brady since Marcia.

   In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and a unforgettable love.

   I'm not afraid of killing c0ckroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his murder while I sleep, that haunts me.

   life isn't a garden, stop being a hoe.

   I didn't fall , I attacked the floor.

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. So, no change from Transformers 1 and 2.

   I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch...

   I get annoyed when houseguests take long hot showers... it fogs up my hidden camera lens.

   A husband is someone who, after taking out the trsh, gives an impression he just cleaned the entire house.

   Just because you saw a movie with singing, it doesn't mean you can sing when you get out....the same applies to Karate movies.

   Wonders when my kids are going to realize the bathroom is not a portal to another dimension, and I am not running away- I just need to pee.

   Why is it okay for fat ppl to say "god ur skinny" but I can't say "damn ur fat"?

   asks: What do Toronto Maple Leaf Fans do after they finally win the Stanley Cup? Put down the playstation and go to bed!!

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   eating fiber and smoking weed.... just for sh*ts and giggles

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up... cause, you know... I'm still looking for ideas.