Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can big pharma make millions of dollars selling laxatives to the elderly, when Taco Bell can manage to do the trick for $2.99?

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency

   *Solution to fix the problems you have with the new Facebook setup* First click the down arrow upper right corner, then click "Account Settings", then go to "security", select "deactivate account", small form to fill out, then confirm. Then go outside.

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck

   Pride day is a month long, yet Vererans day is only one day....Please explain

   Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

   ORGANISM.. you read that wrong the first time didn't you...

   If I followed the advice "live every day like it's your last," I'd become an 800 pound criminal with multiple STDs.

   If Bono ,Julia Roberts and the rest of those billionare bozos care so much then why not sell one of your mansions or private jets and give it to charity. But those elitists gotta beg the hard-working Americans to give what we don't have, now get off my tv

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   21 years old? 5 kids? That's not a vajayjay, that's a Pez dispenser.

   I may be driving slowly... but I am still ahead of you!!!

   I bumped into a guy as I was hurrying off the elevator and I go "Why am I so eager to get to work?" and we laughed and I stole his wallet.

   Sometimes people don't notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. The they are like, “Why don't you stalk me anymore”

   Everytime I see a guy with a shark teeth necklace I think..."There goes the world's most bad ass toothfairy"

   Sometimes I want to send animal crackers to PETA..... half eaten

   My Chemistry teacher asked me if I know the symbol compound of sodium hydrogen. I said NaH.

   Wouldn't it be nice if the ATM just shot out an extra $20 every once in a while.

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."