Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults