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X I really don't want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would've spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar.
X I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
X Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.
X Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.
X It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.
X With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.
X If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
X Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.
X When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.
X Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
X Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"
X Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby
X If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
X Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.
X I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.
X Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS
X Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?
X I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
X I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.
X There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.