Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

   When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.

   Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.

   Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.

   I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.