Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.