Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."
←Rate | 09-10-2018 03:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everytime I see KellyAnn Conway's face, I always vomit!
←Rate | 09-10-2018 02:48 Comments (3)  

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