Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.
←Rate | 06-11-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.
←Rate | 06-11-2018 06:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.
←Rate | 06-10-2018 20:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walmart won't sell guns to anyone under 21. So if you're 21 or older and angry..... Come on down.
←Rate | 06-09-2018 20:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
←Rate | 06-09-2018 10:57 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.
←Rate | 06-09-2018 05:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First NHL player's, now NBA players don't want to visit White House.
←Rate | 06-09-2018 00:20 Comments (13)  

   messageicon Say what you will about Trump, he sure is loyal to the country that elected him (Russia).
←Rate | 06-08-2018 23:57 Comments (1)  

   messageicon R. Riley is so fat and over-weight, Thanos has to snap twice.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 20:28 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 16:10 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?
←Rate | 06-08-2018 14:47 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."
←Rate | 06-08-2018 08:59 Comments (0)  

←Rate | 06-07-2018 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.
←Rate | 06-07-2018 09:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.
←Rate | 06-07-2018 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
←Rate | 06-07-2018 03:21 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.
←Rate | 06-07-2018 02:46 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Trudeau should have asked Donald Trump what year the War of 1812 took place.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 23:20 Comments (0)  

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