Goodeolboy Funny Status Messages

   Be advised, if you read a status from me pertaining to driving, that I have safely pulled the vehicle safely off the road to update said status. Why? Because dying on the job wasn't in the contract. That is all

   What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos?

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).

   Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.

   I now have a strong dislike for Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. Maybe if we're lucky they cheated like on Willy Wonka!!!

   Click like if you almost cried when Trey said,"Yo Dough...You still got one Brotha left!".

   You make me hold it for 250 miles, good luck on the last twenty feet A$$HOLE!-Bladder

   Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

   Setting up eggs on the fence and letting the kids shoot at 'em with paintball guns. That's how we do it in the country!

   To the Athiests that use the Lord's name in vein, make up your mind. Do you believe or not?

   If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!

   Dear Mr. Coffee, Do you even manufacture a coffee pot that doesn't spill when you pour out of it? -Early Riser

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   Tweakers tend to use Five Hour Energy's dirty cousin, Five Inch Line Energy.

   The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.

   Today is the day in some households, that colored eggs get dumped in the trash. Because enough is enough.

   I'm currently killing a twelve pack, and every squirrel within fifty yards of my porch. Love me some Saturdays.

   When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail

   The correct measurement of toilette paper is from the dispenser to the floor for two-ply, and dispenser to the floor with a half turn for single.