Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind country music... but there comes a point in time when listening to lyrics about cruising around in a pick-up truck can drive you insane

   I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!

   Why do people refuse to vote in elections because they say their one vote won't matter, but will gladly spend money tons of money buying Powerball tickets despite virtually no chance of winning?

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   It's March 4th. I like today's date because it's like I'm telling people what to do.

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   Why sure you can trust the Government. Just ask a Native American.

   if I see someone say "smh" in a status, I automatically assume you mean "scratching my herpes"

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s

   I hate when its dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while?" Monsters.

   If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

   - I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips bring my groceries in.

   thinks cell phone companies need to stop pretending it's so great that you can "check Facebook right from your phone." For crying out loud people, this is 2011, I can update Facebook from my toaster!

   Shouln't the Monday after Easter Sunday be known as Egg Salad Monday?

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   If you own a bar near a hospital and it's not called Flatliners, what the hell is wrong with you?