Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed... act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaay better than you.

   Don't you just love nature? Dispite what it did to your face.

   thinks if you are the fortunate one to sing our National Anthem at the SUPERBOWL, then shouldn't you at least know the lyrics? fail, BIGTIME!

   Happy Singles Discrimination Day!!!!!!!!!!!

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   Bin Ladens last words " hey your Chuck Nor_____"

   I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

   There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

   mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas!!!

   Popup ads are the Jehovahs witnesses of the internet.

   Edward Snowden: Provides evidence that the government is spying on us......Government charges him for spying...

   Shark week is over, but I'm not taking my decorations down

   I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant?

   Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.