Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   When the quarantine lasts longer than expected and your cousin starts looking extra thick.

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   The bird, the bird, the bird is the word!

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   Truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged

   Has lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how it feels.

   Not sure how people will react when they find out I'm actually a robot.

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.