Funny Status Messages

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   hates it when the girlfriend asks him to hold her handbag and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   My new years resolution is act like I am interested in your new years resolution

   Does anyone find themselves singing hollaback girl anytime they need to spell the word bananas?

   if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"

   "A man must be Big enough to admit his mistakes, Strong enough to fix them, & Smart enough to listen to me next time!"

   Due to the politcal climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective"

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   Google and Me, it's like we finish eachother's sentences."

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"

   We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.

   Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.