Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.

   Prince William's bachelor party is going to be weird. Imagine stuffing money with pictures of your grandma into a lap dancer's g-string

   Cinco de Mayo....not 1 yard will be mowed today!!

   If you have a mom or wife that is an awesome mother don't post it here....get ur lazy ass up and go tell her in person!!

   Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."

   The Dentist is the only certified man to say to a woman: lay down, relax, open mouth, say ahh, and spit.

   So let me get this right, the government is going to shut down Friday at midnight, and our soldiers will not get paid. The idiots in congress will still get their money? Where is the sense in that?

   BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce. God bless Alzheimers.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)

   If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew at Edwards Air Force Base to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have died so damn quickly!

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   I totally take back all of those times I didn't nap when I was a kid...

   Making mirrors look good, since 1979

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

   When the world gives you lemons, make orange juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

   the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesnt have any candy.....

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   went to a shrink today. She says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other biyach!