LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   While getting dressed this morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   Love is a matter of chemistry,sex is a matter of physics.

   Well,today was a total waste of makeup.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   Internet Explorer - the best browser in the world for downloading Firefox.

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"