Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 23:11 by Just.a.thought Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 23:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 23:02 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 22:59 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 21:14 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes
←Rate | 04-16-2018 20:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:15 by JohnY Comments (3)  

   messageicon love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:58 Comments (1)  

   messageicon We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is January the 96th
←Rate | 04-16-2018 13:18 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I'll be back soon. I have to go to the bathroom and take a massive Trump.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 12:39 Comments (8)  

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