Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 16:31 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook became unpopular with teens the same day it became popular with their parents and grandparents.
←Rate | 06-01-2018 22:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.
←Rate | 06-01-2018 18:02 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."
←Rate | 06-01-2018 15:44 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon If Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un break up again Taylor Swift’s gonna write a song about it.
←Rate | 06-01-2018 15:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to make your own holy water. Step1 take a 2qt pot and fill with water. Step 2 place on burner. Step 3 turn burner on high. Step 4 boil the hell out of the water.
←Rate | 06-01-2018 01:32 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?
←Rate | 06-01-2018 00:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 18:06 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Kim Kardashian in the White House is, Kim Thong Un.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looking forward to the nuclear disarmament talks with Justin Bieber next month.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 08:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)
←Rate | 05-31-2018 08:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
←Rate | 05-31-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 02:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An ambien walks into a Barr.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking: President Trump to meet and discuss foreign policy with the cash me outside girl
←Rate | 05-31-2018 02:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would give a billon dollars to hear the audio of Donald Trump & Kim Kardashian attempting to have a policy discussion about prison reform.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 02:21 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I know how to save 'Roseanne'. Name it 'Dan'.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 01:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....
←Rate | 05-30-2018 20:05 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter!
←Rate | 05-30-2018 20:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...
←Rate | 05-30-2018 09:46 by Gabe Comments (0)  

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