Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 7 of 5939

   messageicon what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw
←Rate | 08-01-2018 23:15 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 21:44 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 18:13 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?
←Rate | 08-01-2018 17:43 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"
←Rate | 08-01-2018 17:22 by BobbyT Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....
←Rate | 08-01-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 13:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 10:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 10:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"
←Rate | 08-01-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 09:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?
←Rate | 08-01-2018 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m suffering complications following my birth
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:46 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:39 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:32 by JerryCarter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:24 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left