Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 7 of 5993

   messageicon Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car!
←Rate | 04-12-2019 21:53 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.
←Rate | 04-12-2019 13:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."
←Rate | 04-11-2019 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
←Rate | 04-10-2019 17:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?
←Rate | 04-10-2019 16:49 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?
←Rate | 04-10-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I get irritated when people ask me simple or even complex questions.. like you have a iPhone right there and you know the WiFi.. Google it! Ugghh I hate finals
←Rate | 04-09-2019 23:21 by Rhashad Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever feel Stupid just think;There are people out there who won't vaccinate their children,but pay for an anti virus for their computer. Let that sink in.
←Rate | 04-09-2019 19:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."
←Rate | 04-09-2019 09:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.
←Rate | 04-09-2019 06:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.
←Rate | 04-08-2019 21:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ah, yes...what lovely blouse shall I stain with food today?
←Rate | 04-08-2019 19:25 by MiMisHouse Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
←Rate | 04-08-2019 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.
←Rate | 04-08-2019 06:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.
←Rate | 04-07-2019 23:13 Comments (5)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left