Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:31 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Random Fact: Fish don't have penetration sex. They closest they ever get to sex is masturbation.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:32 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚
←Rate | 01-08-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015
←Rate | 01-08-2018 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
←Rate | 01-08-2018 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks
←Rate | 01-07-2018 23:08 by Depirts Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
←Rate | 01-07-2018 14:37 by MWC Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!
←Rate | 01-07-2018 12:07 by MWC Comments (4)  

   messageicon When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 20:43 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm, like, really smart." - Donald Trump, 45th POTUS. I'm glad he cleared that up, because he had the whole world fooled.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 19:41 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
←Rate | 01-06-2018 13:41 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  

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