Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.

   Sorry I slapped you, didn't seem like you would stop talking so I panicked.

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar