Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   working, and having short Facebook breaks... but is now on Facebook with short work breaks... much more fun!

   It took me many years to lose my mind. Why the hell would I want a piece of yours?

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.

   Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.”

   I wonder if I mix rum with listerine if it will taste like a mojito?

   will stop drinking when captain morgan puts his foot down.

   The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.

   I'm not quite sure why online chat services decided it would be a good idea to tell you when the other person is typing. Most of the time I'm just anxiously thinking, "Why is it taking you so long to write one f*cking sentence!?"

   LOVE: nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

   My girlfriend has over 1000 female Facebook friends. 132 Notifications later....that's the last time I'll ever be the first person to comment when she post a picture of her damn cat...

   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

   today I didnt even have to use my ak....... gotta say it was a good day...

   after watching the Maryland/Navy game, I have to say that I am a little concerned about national security. I mean, the armed forces should be able to strategize better than anyone, right?!?

   trying to drown all her troubles, but couldn't get her husband to go swimming.

   I'm going to miss you SOOO much! It's not just the sex....it's the food preparation too!! ;)

   Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life.

   Problems are only really ever a problem when you let them become that way . Keep it simple !!

   Let's make the days count, not count the days.

   osama we found you now all we have to do is find waldo