Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   Waiting 2 hrs for an important call...hops in shower ....phone rings..

   Walk into a flower shop and ask to see their selction of chlamydias. That never gets old.

   I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back.

   True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   Statistically speaking, once I introduce you to my family there's a 100% chance we won't work out as a couple

   I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.

   Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.