Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.

   Welp, I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   Oh look at this! You're so slow it takes you almost 12 hours to come up with a comeback. Unbelievable!

   The closest this guy will come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.

   Zero by dividing.

   And it's "hear", not "here". You maggot idiot. F*ck you people are so stupid

   Hey moron! If you're going to insult me, next time say it to my face. And do it in person?

   Nah I'm going to let you guys figure that out for yourselves since you all seem like smart people. I'll be waiting so come and get me pussies!

   Coors Light is like making love in a canoe. It's f--k-ng close to water.

   Boss: Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.40. When do you want to start? Me: In 6 months.

   Good night haters!!!!!

   Your home address. Not the address where you give out government assisted blow jobs. Poosy.

   Members of Generation X have no definable traits other than being responsible for breeding the misguided Generation Z whackoffs.

   Look in the mirror. Urghhhh!!!

   You give up or are you thirsty for more?

   I don’t understand plant-based burgers. It’s like vegetarians are saying “this tastes like a cow because cows are delicious”

   Jealousy is a terrible disease, Gary. Get well soon.

   If you perform in a guy and a gal musical duo, and you play to the Monday thru Thursday dinner crowd at a volume level where you can hear a pin drop... your career has epically failed.

   Schifoso cat bastidz.

   Just saw your picture on social media, and you look like a “before” picture.