Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS 
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you. Thought you should know.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
"I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"
Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?
I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.
I read Marie Kondo's book about tidying up...now I'm getting a divorce
I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.
Remember on 'The Wire' when the drug dealers in Hamsterdam were like, "Got that pandemic!"? HBO should do a 'Where are they Now?' episode...
If someone offers you cash from a van and tells you it’s your stimulus check, you can take it, but just know it’s not the type of stimulus check you think it is.
If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going
Now that Hugh Hefner
has passed away,
do the bunnies get the house?
What's with all the hearts on Facebook?
Wonder why I'm such a night owl who who stays up all night?
Ok guys Halloween is over take off your masks
Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"
I got 352 likes Facebook post and somehow I feel I should get some sort of Facebook consolation prize, or something.
The only change in my life is tha I'm consuming more food than before because nothings here to stop me 