Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips. 😎

   In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

   OK. Who decided to call it Emotional Baggage and not Griefcase?

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   I WONDER HOW MANY VAMPIRES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY PEOPLE WHO BACKUP JUST USING THEIR MIRRORS.

   I'll gladly insult you to your face. Post your address pu$$y. (Watch... he won't. )

   My name is Gary Koenig and I'm the king of lame comedy!!!

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   The proprietor of this channel has a bad case of ligginma. Ligginma nuts.

   Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

   Pickleball. As if tennis wasn't g@y enough already.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   My brother took going to jail bad. He wouldn't eat, smeared feces on the wall, swore and spit at everyone. That's it, I'm never playing Monopoly with him again.

   Friend: You play any dangerous sports? Me: I sometimes disagree with my wife.

   Maybe we should start listening to the economists and business leaders, and not the guy who went bankrupt 6 times 😥

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   ?elohssa ruoy tuo eta rehtomdnarg ruoy sa dettun reve uoy evaH ...gineoKyraG ekaf ,yeH