Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Air Poland is now Air Jetski.

   My wife is a 10 and so are her miles to empty.

   My dangerous sport? Disagreeing with my wife.

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   I changed my mind. F*ck Trump.

   I can't believe all the Me×icans who are taking Amer¡can jobs. Amer¡can jobs previously held by 16 year olds.

   PS. Saying it your face and doing it in person is the same thing, you redundant asshole.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   I share the same number of no f**ks given for Tyreek Hill as I did for George Floyd.

   I've heard of people being "generation x" or " generation z"..... if I had to label my family, we would be "generation AA" we go to meetings about it

   My boss asked me who was stupid, me or him. I told him that we all know he doesn't employ stupid people.

   Yesterday, I left work pretending to be sick. Today, two colleagues didn't show up, claiming they caught it from me. Freaking liars!

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   The USA holds the cards, Canucksters.

   Yoda: You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.