Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   Start every phone call with "Hey, my phone is about to die...". That way you can hang up on tem any time.

   Please stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but you should always check.

   The worst marketing blunder in history was not putting cassette decks in cell phones.

   it’s 2025. why do we not have caffeinated mashed potatoes yet?

   Inside every female body builder, is a man wanting to get out.

   Showing too much cleavage makes you look like an ass.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My personality becomes disordered when illegals cross our borderline.

   I’m not sure what to wear to the living room for New Year’s Eve. I might not even go.

   Told my Cat I was going to teach him English today....He looked up and said... Me? How?

   Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

   Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

   Do I block the raging drunkard that trolls my page or do I let him ramble so he doesn’t sh00t up his local piggly wiggly?

   Pickles are great..until you’re in one.

   Where's the "cheaper groceries and gas" people who trolled lefties online for years about fixing the economy? Where are all the “know it all” neckbeard dads and blond haired moms who voted for him? These losers seemed to have allllllllll disappeared..