Funny Status Messages

   Shake and shake the ketchup bottle; None will come, and then a lot'll.

   As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

   The First Amendment is first for a reason. The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   Donald Trump is a Tarrifist !

   I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

   I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.

   HE FOLDED AGAIN!!!! 😂 And markets are surging NOT because his strategy worked, but because he finally threw in the towel on a trade war he NEVER had control over.

   You don’t have to be a brilliant economist to realize this was market manipulation. The rich just got richer, and regular Americ*ns lost trillions. But go on. Keep defending him.

   Here's a fact 🤡 he and his buddies made a fortune through insider trading which is now going to be meticulously investigated. You didn't make a penny lmao

   Ed the zebra galloped across Tennessee. The Oilers galloped across Florida’s defense. Both ended up airborne—one in a helicopter, the other in OT euphoria.

   GaryKoenig, please stop with horrible jokes. You're the lamest asshole on social media.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

   I run every day for 20 minutes. If I miss a day I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has really been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 4 months.

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   Have you ever had a crowd cheer after you've been kicked out of a store?

   How come no one posts pictures of their kids on the first day of summer school?

   Just saw a 400 pound man holding a sign, "Will work for Food" I wanted to scream out "You need to take a vacation!"