Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   2023: Where pizza crusts are made from chicken, hamburgers are made from plants, and milk is made from nuts.

   Some people identify as non-binary. That means there are two categories: Binary and non-binary. Therefore, even if you identify as non-binary, you're still binary.

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit? -Mr.President...

   Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

   It is sad that jokes about Brandon are about the only witty things some people ever say. Even then, it isn't even that witty since they apply to both of the latest presidents.

   Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

   I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

   First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   What does it say for Climate when the NHL ice hockey playoffs are played during the Summer between one team in Florida and the other in the dessert?

   They should change the name of the Bible to: "The Big Book of Contradictions, Fairy Tales and False Promises."

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   The Bible is like a Boob Job. The book is real and the boobs are real. It's the stuff inside that's fake.

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   Daddy..what's a transvestitie? Go ask your mother he'll tell you

   What if the real Slim Shady is in a wheelchair?