Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.

   Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got the damn thing off, she had left the room.

   Yoga Pants should have a weight limit.

   Today's International Brotherhood of Manhood Tip: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

   went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

   How come when someone is missing the media makes them out to be a saint? Why not just say 'yeah their a jerk but lets find them anyway?'

   Gun Control means hitting your target. And so does Anger Management.

   I'm going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

   Just so we're clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV community.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, when you're arguing with your spouse, just remind them "one of us is right, and the other one is YOU".

   My wife just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   I’m having an out of money experience.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up. .

   I'm sure Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend’s house.

   Doggie Heaven and Squirrel Hell are the same place.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point North.

   I'm following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

   Spring is here. I'm so excited, I wet my plants.