Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She had leprosy. I got tired of picking up after her.

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for an anti-diarrhea medicine.

   it too much to ask that they let me know I typed my password incorrectly BEFORE I click on all the pictures that have sidewalks?

   A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich. - Jane ate her friend's colon.

   I think people who get really offended by things they read on the Internet are probably the same people that take minigolf really seriously

   An optimistic thinks that this is the best World to live in. A pessimistic knows that this is true. (29)

   Inuendo - what else, but an Italian name for Preparation H.

   If sports were board games, The NHL would be Chess, the NBA would be Checkers, MLB would be Trivial Pursuit and the NHL would be Candyland.

   I’d like to be the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas

   What I've learned from many years of driving: People who drive faster than me are obnoxious and people who drive slower than me are stupid.

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   I figured it out. Instagram is for people who read books but only look at the pictures.

   Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   OK, but in my defense, when my wife told me to "drop a load in the washing machine" her wording was a little ambiguous.

   Wife girlfriend

   I have the answers to the ethics test if anyone needs them