Funny Status Messages
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Kids these days will never know the pain not being able to see a movie because they are all rented out. 
Yeah, yeah. You buy brown eggs. Show-off.
Before the Internet, most people thought villages only had one idiot. We sure as heck did not have that right.
My name is, P01135809
A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.
I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"
Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "
My coffee is so black, it's running for President
Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.
It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!
The way I just scratched my back on the corner of the wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.
I remember when you all were funny.
If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?
My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"
If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?
The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart is currently looking like a fight-to-the-death battle Royal between the all day Pajama People vs the Sweat Pants crowd.
I make seven figures but the first two are zero.
Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
"When you ran out the healthy arms, you ran out of really healthy they had great arms but they ran out. It’s called sports. It’s called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say, really particular." Putins B*tch Apr 07, 2025 