Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Easter

   Cops came to my house, accusing my dog of chasing a guy in his Mustang ... I told the cops my dog wouldn't be caught dead driving a Ford

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   The woman at the tire store told me today to come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued, without even a hint of a smile on her face

   It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

   Now that I’m in my 60’s, I suddenly find that I have a talent for breakdancing!. Every time I try to dance, I break something.

   Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.

   April Fools Day is coming up this Saturday. Look for lots of articles about global warming.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 350 years.

   I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it.

   Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.

   When a police car circles around to go after the criminal, how do you know it's a police car? .... It just did a donut

   Disney teaches us to hate stepmothers. PornHub takes a whole different approach.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   I love the three little pigs; Bacon, Ham, and Sausage!

   Dear women's basketball, your 15 minutes of fame is over. See you in a few years.

   The Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters.

   Guys, when your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance", just go ahead and start putting your shoes on. She means now.