Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"

   If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart is currently looking like a fight-to-the-death battle Royal between the all day Pajama People vs the Sweat Pants crowd.

   I make seven figures but the first two are zero.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.

   The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

   "When you ran out the healthy arms, you ran out of really healthy they had great arms but they ran out. It’s called sports. It’s called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say, really particular." Putins B*tch Apr 07, 2025

   I got some Dr. Scholl's shoe cushions. I don't think a Doctorate Degree is needed to come up with shoe cushions. I would have bought them from a Mr. Scholl.

   I identify as a donkey. My pronouns are Hee/Haw.

   Technically, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

   There is no such thing as men's clogs.

   I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

   I put two quarters in my ears this morning and thought I was listening to 50 Cent.

   Today is Liberation Day! Also known as the largest tax and inflation hike for working class families in history.

   Dow extends longest win streak of 2025 as S&P 500, Nasdaq climb

   You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror

   Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

   they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

   This is how your government has been corrupted: 1) Donors give huge sums to elect politicians to office. 2) Elected officials rewrite the rules in the donors' favor. 3) Donors make a huge profit. 4) Repeat. Great job suckers lol

   I ask you , who Hasn't drank a bottle of fireball then went down the park slide naked at least once your honor ?