Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to wear underwear on the outside of his clothes tomorrow to see if people assume he's crazy, or a superhero.

   Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an idiot

   When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.

   you`ll notice after reading this notice, that this notice isn`t worth noticing

   wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?

   No trees were harmed in the posting of this Facebook status, but several million electrons were mildly inconvenienced.

   thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel

   wondering, if you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   Sometimes I wonder what became of the imaginary friend I had as a kid... Did he go to imaginary college? Is he married to an imaginary woman or have imaginary kids? I should google his punk ass...

   say Jesus loves you... He only likes me as a friend, though.

   suffers from compulsive-indecisive disorder. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

   browsing my facebook friends naked.

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....

   a paranoid schitizophrenic, I think I'm following myself.

   wondering if when French people swear, do they say excuse my English

   without me awesome is only aweso

   wonders if people who use sign language are allowed to talk with their mouth full....

   parachute for sale, used once, never opened!