Funny Status Messages
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I watched Biden's SOTU speech at the community clinic in Spanish and it still sucked..... 
I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way??
Food prices are through the roof. I still eat steak sometimes but it's rare.
God always answers prayers. The problem is 99% of the time the answer is "no."
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do... It's because I missed my exit.
Drones over New Jersey? That's just Amazon delivering Christmas presents. No biggie.
Envy, laziness Envy, laziness, and incompetency gave birth to communism.and incompetency gave birth to communism.
Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
There are roughly 700,000 people having sex at any given moment. Meanwhile, I'm practicing how to kiss a girl with wild raccoons.
Under Florida law, Bengay has been ordered to change their name to Benstraight.
Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a Fold cycle? Come on. It's 2022 for chrissake. Work on that.
Thinking about the time I bought 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I realized how non-materialistic I am. To me, a step up the social ladder isn't a new car, house, or clothes... it's the rare occasion when I line the waste paper basket in the bathroom with a Target bag instead of one from Wal-Mart.
If no one told you that you're beautiful today well I'm not about to start. Move on.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My church serves noodles at Communion. we're Ramen Catholics
Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the 18th floor night club, was not a bouncer.
There is more than one way to skin a cat but the cat doesn't like any of them.
I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.
All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks. 