Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight? 
My new SUV has a button " rear wiper"..I'm afraid to push it.....
Hey guys, lets confuse the girls..245/35R18
Look at it this way. Swift can now go back to doing what she does best... indoctrinating little 9 year old girls into becoming future man-haters.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.
First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.
My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..
I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.
If it takes 2 to make a baby, how come only one gets to decide if it can be born.
I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.
Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.
Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.
Beginning Monday, all you queerdos can go back in the closet.
You know, while we’re at it, don’t look directly at me today either.
I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.
This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.
My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car. 