Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   It's not Juneteeth. It's Juneteenf.

   My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   If it takes 2 to make a baby, how come only one gets to decide if it can be born.

   I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.

   Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.

   Beginning Monday, all you queerdos can go back in the closet.

   You know, while we’re at it, don’t look directly at me today either.

   I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"

   neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.

   This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!

   Why do we say "half a dozen" when it is easier to say "six"?

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   13% of the population represented by the media as 50%