Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   Yom Kippur: Hebrew for, "We atone for our sins today, which we will commit again tomorrow." Catholic Confession: "Ditto."

   Natalie woods told Robert Wagner, "You haven't got me wet in years", he said, "oh yeah, watch this".

   HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

   Boomers. A generation of hypocrites who were anti-money and anti-government in their hippie days, but became the exact opposite when they got older.

   Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

   Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

   It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Joe B is an example.

   My dry lips are burning. How can I let you know more beautifully that I am asking for the loving touch of your lips .. !!

   Hey MWC, What about your pinis? Don't you feel bad about beating the only thing that ever stood up for you!!??

   Why don't people who drive under the speed limit get ticketed like people who drive over the limit? It says "limit"

   At 51, I've realized that if I don't get enough sleep, I'm an asshole during the day. If I get too much sleep, I'm still an asshole, but happy!

   If I subscribe to Amazon Prime, does that mean that I'm "in my prime" ?

   I turned off spell check because I was tired of all my jokes getting urined.

   Why aren't people on the "Truth Social" forum these days??? Are people turned off from the word "Truth"?

   It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

   I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   My roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor. This is how the war against machines begins.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!