Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

   Closest I’ve come to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

   Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

   I was in a porno movie once. I played the role of the husband who left for work before the pool boy showed up.

   If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

   If you're running away from a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, DO NOT play dead!

   If anyone’s wondering what to get me this year all I want for Christmas is summer.

   Keep it up and you'll be a strange smell in my attic.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   Don't let a gerbil talk you into anything you don't want to do

   I find it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive. He'll only accept a WhatsApp doc.

   I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I'm gonna surprise my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

   Elon Musk should change Twitter's name to MySpaceX.

   if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

   Sandstorms? Nahson.. It's called, crunchy sandwiches for a week