Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

   “Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

   Fuel prices are so high under the Biden administration, he is now suggesting we fart on our wallets for gas money.

   You might say I am a Social Influencer. Well, OK. I'm a bad influence but still....

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.

   I went to see Oppenheimer, but the line was really long and I was getting a little hungry, so I went to the Barbie queue.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. works everytime.

   I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

   The female version of teabagging is called flapuccino.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

   I'm glad the earth is solving our over-population problem. Keep it up, mother earth.

   R. M. Was turned down on his offer to play santa at an all girls middle school.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

   I wonder if black ants and red ants have a beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.