Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad gave me a set of golf clubs and wants me to try them out... currently waiting for someone to break into my house

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?