Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn.

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   not to be outdone, Brett Favre announced that he will make his decision in an ESPN mini-series

   My dad gave me a set of golf clubs and wants me to try them out... currently waiting for someone to break into my house

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.