Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In other news… Elon musk is now going to also buy McDonald’s so he can fix all the ice cream machines

   Remember the Fable of the Tortoise & the Hare. They were both soup the next day.

   What do I know about Bonsai trees? Very little.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   "She doesn't pick the popular Pennsylvania governor. She doesn't pick the astronaut. Instead, she picks the Geo. Phloyd riot guy"

   So musk owns twitter. Does that mean a Tesla will tweet where you parked?

   I met a comedian once. He was a stand-up guy.

   Even though I'm feeling it, I don't believe in this extreme heat I'm feeling.

   Dr says to her 80 year old hard of hearing female patient You look very weak & exhausted are you having 3 meals 3 times a day as advised? 80 year old Female replies I thought you said 3 males.

   Some one wrote on the back of my neighbors work van, ' Wish my wife was this dirty'.... so under it I wrote ' She and her boyfriend is when you are at work

   Do I need to watch the first two seasons of COVID to understand Season 3?

   Donald’s New Year countdown: 10, 9, 8… wait, is Greenland for sale yet?

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.....When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up!

   I wasa mask while holding an elevator door for an elderly person. He shook his head (from 20 feet away) violently and said, "I wouldn't get in an elevator with another person even if you paid me!" I'd had it with these rude sheep. I took off my m

   Remember when someone had posted "who cares if we don't get to see polars Bears, cuz we didn't get to see dinosaurs?" I guess mother natures cares with this winter blast!

   It's so cold in Manhattan even Iggy is freezing.

   first day of spring break and I have f all to do

   Dear Federal Government gun buyback program : I have performed a background check on you , and Based on your history of violence and atrocities , I cannot sell you a gun.

   I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!