Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Checked my bank account and none of it was fraud it was all me damn

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher?

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

   If gas prices get any higher, I'm gonna have to file for 'tank-ruptcy

   Worst approval rating in the first hundred days for any president in the last 70 years, huh? Beat his own previous record huh? Great job losers 😂

   User is suspected as gay. Please report any Suspicious activity to discord staff.

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   How am I supposed to explain Daylight Savings Time to my neighbors dog?

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   The number of people who confuse ”to” and ”too” is amazing two me.

   Corn. The food that both enters and exits intact.

   Pizza is like sex, it's always good even if it's bad.

   All I said to the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line was "beautiful mustache"...a COMPLIMENT. Then, for no reason at all, she got all angry, gave me a dirty look, grabbed her purse, and walked out....

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   Jasmine Crockett is the Dollar Tree version of Maxine Waters.

   Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

   hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

   Them cicis brownies with the sprinkled cocaine on top so f**king g fire