Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only 3 things can make me run When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer", or "The free beer is on fire”

   Cocaine Bear seems kind of unbelievable. A bear that snorts coke would be a lot skinnier.

   If you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Melania Trump, don't open it. It might be spam. And if you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Kamala Harris, don't open it. It might be nude pictures of Kamala Harris.

   Putin is like that angry drunk guy at a party. Everyone is trying to calm him down but he's convinced he needs to fight someone.

   Please wear your masks. It saved my friends life. He was having lunch with his girlfriend and his wife didn't recognize him.

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Donald Trump has the cojones to break that cycle of absurdity.

   When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

   Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

   At some point the possum actually dies. Then all that practice finally pays off.

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT IF I SEE SOMEONE WEARING A WWE WRESTLING SHIRT, I AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCT 50 IQ POINTS .

   I often wonder what they plant to grow seedless watermelons.

   The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

   I'm writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.

   Hello 911 a straight man is encouraging me to be my best self instead of bringing out the worst in me and idk what to do, send help.

   Have you ever wondered how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle- age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Guys, your wife works hard all day. Is it too much to ask for you to get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plug it in so that it will be ready when she gets home?