Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating is like trying on shoes. You think you found a good fit, but it begins to hurt after a little while.

   Gross thought of the day... Vienna sausage juice.

   Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

   Let us march immediately, and never lay down our arms until we obtain our independence. ~ Nathan Hale

   The police.... The only people who ever wanted me for who I really am.

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

   Stop selling family farms to build cheap spec home subdivisions.

   I wonder if people paying $300 for a Colon Cleanse even know about the new $4.99 Taco Bell deal?

   Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right

   If you’re single, and you know it… Pet your cat!🎵🎶

   I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

   Kind of ironic that growing a mullet will prevent you from being a redneck!

   Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windshield

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   you guys ever wonder who'd win that battle of the bands thing if they took the word 'battle' seriously

   I hate when people say that the ears are their favorite part of a chocolate Easter Bunny. Gross out with all that wax and stuff, and they stink too.

   Que o medo de não dar certo não nos impeça de tentar. Vá. E se der medo, vá com medo mesmo.