Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 6287 of 6371
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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08-18-2022 08:35
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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08-18-2022 08:35
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
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08-18-2022 08:36
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
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08-18-2022 08:37
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough… The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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08-18-2022 08:38
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This doctor is claiming he's the best surgeon of all time. He said, a few years back I was able to jam this guy's brains all back in his head after an accident, and look... Now he's president
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08-18-2022 11:58
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The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
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08-18-2022 14:32
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Forest Whitaker's left eye has more self-control than I do.
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08-19-2022 09:39
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I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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08-19-2022 14:04
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I eat wheat even though I am allergic to it. You might say I'm a gluten for punishment.
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08-19-2022 20:12
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It's crazy how people get up at 5 am to workout. I don't even get up at 5 am to pee, I just stay there and suffer...
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08-20-2022 17:52 by Gabe
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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08-22-2022 14:54
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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08-22-2022 14:55
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due to unforeseen circumstances I just quit my job as a psychic
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08-22-2022 14:55
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Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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08-22-2022 14:56
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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08-22-2022 14:57
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Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing..
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08-22-2022 14:58
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My neightbor accross the hall fed his pet snake a viagra now it's a walkin stick
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08-22-2022 14:58
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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08-22-2022 14:59
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
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08-22-2022 14:59
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