Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

   Unfortunately, there is no vaccine against stupidity...

   Ugh....Human Beings. I wish my leaders gave me fair warning about this place before they dropped me off here.

   i just ordered a snuggie for dogs and I dont even have a dog... I just want to burn it because its the stupidest thing ive ever seen

   ..was reading the bookThe Dog That Never Dies. She couldn't put it down.

   pitching a tip to George Lucas for a new robot in the next Star Wars, the H1N1.

   Sometimes I wonder.."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.....

   I am like a freaking Hallmark card..I care enough to post the very best!!

   on the air, go ahead caller what is your request?

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   2 word's boys hate the most "dont" and "stop"...lets put them together instead!

   thinks it's funny how Google Chrome's spell-checker dictionary doesn't have the word "Google" in it

   Am always telling the truth unless am lying.

   Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   wanna go halves on a baby?

   Do you know what it feels like when you have to pee really bad? Well in that case feel this, I'm not totally sure I do...

   Caution: Was produced on machines that also process nuts

   If you ain't never been to the Suburbs; Don't ever come to the Suburbs.... 'Cause you wouldn't understand the Suburbs... So stay the F@#% out of the Suburbs!!!

   ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about

   reading chicken soup for the chicken's soul