Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Costco - the only store you go into for cheap toilet paper and come out with 40 pounds of cheese, 3-dozen muffins, and a 5-gallon bucket of Tide Pods...

   Due to all that's been happening lately, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

   The State of Indiana should open an anonymous sperm bank called ‘Hoosier Daddy.’

   Some guy asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

   When she's hot but she can't cook... Ok, Kim DoorDashian.

   Wish I could have went to the Ariana Grande concert, I heard it was a blast.

   If I gotta wait a half hour after eating before getting in the pool, let’s face it, I’m never getting in the pool.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today

   I broke off my relationship with a woman I met a few days ago. I got a good look at both her ex and her kids. I became nauseated at the thought of went in her and what's popped out.

   I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable

   Couldn't you have told me that my password was incorrect BEFORE you made me select all the pictures that have motorcycles?

   I was caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am...

   Are 3-year-olds dishwasher safe?

   Been getting a lot of things done lately thanks to a wonderful Facebook feature I love using you could find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   A guy at the gas station asked the clerk for $5 on pump 3. Where is he going? Pump 4??

   I’m not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish.

   Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

   You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

   I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.