Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks. 
Not trying to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in the same sized gloves I wore in high school...
The reality is that there is NO reasonable alternative to evolution in science. At least not a version of “science” which does not glean its facts from a book written thousands of years ago by primitive desert people.
McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀
Tonight I will be visited by 3 "Spirits"............. Rum, Vodka, and Gin.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The Wicked Witch of the West said it best: What a world, what a world
The punisher is like every other Marvel Tv show on Netflix. Could have done everything in 2 episodes but decided to add 8 more unnecessary ones.
lights off : there in grown hairs, lights on: there herpes
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.
My wife asked me for the Chapstick. I accidently handed her a Gluestick. Now she's not speaking to me.
Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them also to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.
I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.
To stay healthy this April, starting tomorrow I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. In the middle of opportunity lies me, taking a nap.
Guns don't kill people. Abortionists do.
Am I crazy, or does Marjorie Taylor Greene look exactly like Dog the Bounty Hunter?
At age 90 William Shatner became the oldest person to go to space, when he paid to go on the Blue Origin capsule. I just wanna know if he bought his ticket on Priceline.com.... 