Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

   Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

   Her: I want you to wreck my guts Me: *undercooks her chicken*

   Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

   Dr says to her 80 year old hard of hearing female patient You look very weak & exhausted are you having 3 meals 3 times a day as advised? 80 year old Female replies I thought you said 3 males.

   Yep the relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon..., it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You are all crazy.

   Guess what I did..I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!............... We can look for it together.

   If your profile mainly consists of photos featuring you and your 60 year old friends at bars and restaurants, you've failed miserably.

   It's Shark Week. Sharks kill an average of 5 people a year. Cows kill an average of 22 people a year. When is Cow Week

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.